Chapter 4 and 5 of  How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk By John Van Epp was very insightful.

Here are some points that I loved:

"There is a world of a difference between feeling you know someone and truly knowing that person"   

"Don't tell too much too soon and don't share too little too late" 

This is why it takes time to get to know someone. Using the RAM model the know is the first step. 

"The good doesn't always last, and the bad usually gets worse"

How you feel and are treated during a relationship is a good sign of how the future will be. 

Three Month Rule- 

Three months is the "magic number"  Around three months patterns of behavior become evident. The newness is over and patterns of behavior begin to emerge.

"True Compatability consists of Chemistry, Complementary, and Comparability. 

" the soul mate you need is a person with whom you have rich chemistry, whose differences make you better than you could be on your own, and who shares many of your core values and life goals, as well as some of your personal qualities and lifestyle preferences." 

Four ways to DO better and BE better 

in your marriage:

1. Take an inventory of how you spend your time and where you devote your energy. That will tell you where your heart is. 

2. Pray to have your heart attuned to your Wife's  (spouse's) heart.

3. Seek to bring her (him) joy.

4. Seek her (his) counsel and listen. 

Russell M. Nelson April 2019

In-Law-Relations L 13     

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife”

In the talk Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families James Harper quotes Marvin J. Astons clarification of this verse. “Man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now are ignored, abandoned, shunned or deserted.” He goes on to say, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

It can be difficult for newly married couples to transition and cleave unto their spouse when there are opinions from loved ones like in-laws. I did not think I would ever have that problem, but I did. After marriage, I struggled with the input given by my mother in law. I know she meant well but her input often came across as hurtful, belittling and dominating. I struggled with it to the point I did not want to be around her. My husband who was used to her comments didn’t understand my feelings. We came up with a plan. At the next family gathering, I would hold his hand. I would squeeze his hand when she made a comment that I felt was hurtful, belittling or pushy about the choices that were ours to make. It was not long before we were discussing the many times, I squeezed his hand. It was eye-opening to him. He was able to see my point of view. We discussed some of the choices we had made because of her influence than from ours together. He apologized and things were different from that point on. He began to tell her, “Thanks for your opinion, but we will do what we feel is right for us.”  I appreciated his willingness to be kind to her while making it clear that I was his partner in decisions.

Enmeshment- Parents and children feel they have to be together, difficulty separating feelings and loyalty issues are distorted.  If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with parents or in-laws, three suggestions are made.

1-Express love to parents for what they do.
2-Explain that they need to further strengthen their couple identity. 
3-Explain how expectations are getting in the way of their relationship. Express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love.

Triangulation- When a stronger relationship is with a parent than a spouse or excludes the spouse. 
In difficult times children may go to their parents for help with an issue with their spouse. Parents should kindly encourage their child to talk to their spouse and work out their difficulties together. Triangulation fails to solve problems and weakens a marriage. Information shared can lead to negative feelings or taking sides.

80% of couples of failed marriages had not gained the support of the parents to marry. Lack of approval. Triangulation, intrusion, loyalty issues jeopardize marriages. Gloria Horsley listed things every parent in law should avoid. “Giving advice, criticizing, guilt for missing events.” 

I am approaching the stages of becoming an in-law. I am determined to trust my daughter judgments when the time comes. I hope to build a relationship with my in-law and be a support to them as a couple because I want them to be happy and successful. I want my “future in-laws” to feel welcomed, loved and accepted. I will also be understanding as they figure out their own traditions and life together because I remember the guilt I felt as we figured out ours.

Power Relations and Children L12

Marriage is a stepping stone to creating a family. The family is a design of our Heavenly Fathers plan for us to live and learn together. Parenting is not easy. In the talk,  Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. Richard E. Miller shares important information about the power, control, and hierarchy for a healthy family. 

Parents are the leaders in the family- Hierarchy should be clear between the parent and children. Parents should not be harsh, domineering or dictators, but should lead the family in love and righteousness with moral standards and guidelines. The best way for parents to discipline is to be united.

"Discipline is probably one of the most important elements in which a mother and father can lead and guide and direct their children…. Setting limits to what a child can do means to that child that you love him and respect him.  If you permit the child to do all the things he would like to do without any limits, that means to him that you do not care much about him." Spencer W. Kimball

The best way for parents to discipline is to be united.

Parents must be united- Parents should work together in leadership. They should support each other, work together and make decisions that consistent with each other. If Parents disagree on an issue it should be addressed without children present. Parents should love and respect each other at all times.

Marital Relationship should be a partnership- A healthy marriage is an equal partnership. “Power is predictive of problems.”

”In the marriage companionship, there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey.” (Gordon B. Hinckley)

Husbands and wives are equal- Husbands and wives are a companionship. Husband and wife different responsibilities but should work together as equals. Neither inferior or superior.

 “A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto… The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.” (Howard W. Hunter)

“Marriage, in its truest form, is a partnership of equals, with neither exercising dominion over the other, but, rather, with each encouraging and assisting the other in whatever responsibilities and aspirations he or she might have.”  (Gordon B. Hinckley)

Avoid Power- Marriages that have unequal power creates an unbalance in marriage and the family. One form of power is when a spouse is dominant and won’t listen to the other spouse. The other is when one partner gets their way when there is a disagreement.

My husband and I were married 4 years before we had children. Having children brought so much joy to us. Children also brought adjustments. We had to learn how to agree and disagree with the decisions for our children. We are still working on it, but when we work together as a team and discuss thing together and in prayer, we see the blessings for our family.

Fidelity and Physical Intimacy L 11

They Twain Shall Be One: By Brent A. Barlow shares, “In spite of the potentially joyful aspects of sexuality in marriage, for many, it is a source of frustration and even contention. Indeed, the inability of married couples to intimately relate to each other is one of the major causes of divorce.” He goes on to say, “people get an inaccurate view from parents who were too embarrassed to discuss such matters with their children or who were so concerned that their children live the law of chastity that they taught only the negative consequences of the improper use of intimacy.”

Barlows’ last statement hits home for me. My parents were very private. Sex/Sexual intimacy was not talked about. If it was mentioned, it was usually attached to the negatives, can’t, don’t or shouldn’t. I remember waking up the morning after I was married. I opened my eyes and saw my husbands face. The first thought that ran through my head was, “my parents are going to kill me!” Thankfully, seconds later reality came and I was able to laugh about it. It was funny at the time, but it continually created personal feelings of shame. It was hard for me to switch my thinking from, “No-don’t” to “It’s ok”.  I see that my parents were trying to protect me, but it took years to alter my thinking. I have used my experience to hopefully help my children. Especially my daughter. With my children, we have been open to addressing questions they might have about their bodies and sex. We have made it a point to make comments like, “when you are married.” I want my children to know their bodies are sacred and created to function as designed by our Heavenly father. Sex is not negative or bad. It is important to emphasize the sacredness of intimacy and wait for when the time is right. Hopefully, this will allow them to have a positive relationship and be willing and able to talk to their spouse. 

“The fact is, God made man, male and female; he planted in their bosoms those affections which are calculated to promote their happiness and union.” As husbands and wives learn to give of themselves and to understand each other’s’ needs and desires, these affections will grow until they do indeed “promote their happiness and union.”

Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage by Sean Brotherson addresses ways couples can seek answers about sexual fulfillment. One of them is to remember, “the dialogue about the sanctity, power and emotional depth of proper sexual intimacy in the companionship of a married husband and wife.” It is important we give ourselves permission to talk about sex with our spouse.

Before I was sealed, my stake president gave some advice I have never forgotten. First, Sexual relation between my husband and I were to be kept sacred between us. Second, we both needed to feel comfortable, loved and respected by each other. Third, Stay away from any form of pornography as a couple or individually. I'm grateful for the advice he gave. Couples must communicate about their intimacy.  “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” - President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982],

Sean E. Brotherson mother gives him great advice “sometimes it was fun, sometimes it was comforting, sometimes it was romantic, sometimes it was spiritual, and sometimes it was just a willingness to love.”

I think education on sex/intimacy within the family setting has improved over the years. I don’t think the conversational is as “taboo” as it has been in past generations. There are resources out there for couples to help strengthen their relationships. Couples will be blessed as they work together with patience, love, respect, and sacredness to addressing issues one or the other may have.   

Seeking to Understand L10

 

All couples have irreconcilable differences, but gridlock causes major issues within a marriage. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman discusses the harmful effects of gridlock.  

What Is Gridlock? Gridlock is when partner can’t find a way to accommodate disagreements. Neither couple is able to get the other to understand, agree or respect the position of the other person.

How do you know if you’re in gridlock? 

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again and again with no resolution. 

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing’s time goes on.  

4 Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self.

Some couples can sidestep the problem, knowing it won’t go away but manage to keep it from overwhelming life together. Gottman teaches that the problem does not have to be solved to get past gridlock. Neither does one or the other have to “give in.” The goal is to Acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

To prevent gridlock Gottman says to look for the small moments where you “miss” each other’s needs, spend more time strengthening fondness and admiration and Turning towards each other. In gridlock, you must understand that someone’s dreams (hopes, aspirations, and wishes) are not being met.

My dear friend married her high school sweetheart. Promises of a Temple marriage “someday” led to a quiet, civil marriage. Their ideas of someday were very different. Years into their marriage he went inactive. She went to church alone. A baby came along and her dream to have the baby blessed caused heartache and major disagreement. It was an issue with each child and only got worse as baptism, mutual and camp activities came up. They are in gridlock. Personally, it is sad watching this couple. The wife has given up on her “someday” temple marriage and the dream of being active as a family has also vanished for her. I make me sad for them, but mostly her. I hope someday they can work through things and they can move past the hurt and frustration of gridlock. 

I think avoiding gridlock is an important part of Gottman’s book. I think it is important to remember that no marriage is perfect. People can always change. When the 4 horse-man and harsh start-ups are avoided marriages trust can be built and issues can be worked through to avoid Gridlock.

L9 Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

Marriage is the blending of two individuals’ cultures, beliefs, and traditions into one. Conflicts are sure to arise, even for the happiest couple.  In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WorkGottman teaches there are two kinds of marital conflicts.

1. Perpetual Problems- They will be a part of your life forever in some way or another. A permanent way of thinking or feeling. 
2. Solvable- Problems that can be resolved with effective techniques.

Once the type of conflict is identified, coping skills can begin to resolve the conflict. Gottman offers tools to help couples resolve conflicts.
1. Soft startup
2. Learn to make and receive repaired attempts.
3. Soothe yourself for each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

A compromise was not something that came easily for my husband and I. It took time and were still working on it today. We have learned to state what we each feel is important and find a way to make it work for both of us. Sometimes it is easier than others, but it is a blessing to solving a conflict.

When feelings and opinions are different, a soft startup is an important tool to be learned with a spouse or child. Gottman suggestion will help voice the conflict in a reasonable way to eliminate anger in a marriage or home.  

Complain but don’t blame- Use statements like “I feel...”  and “I need...” Make statements that begin with “I” instead of “You.” This allows you to express your feeling or concerns without placing blame.
Describe what is happening- “I seem to be the only one taking out the trash” This states the problem without judging.
Be clear about your positive need- don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. “I’d appreciate if you would clean up your dishes when you’re done.”
Be polite- Add phrases like “Please” or “I would appreciate.”
Be appreciative- “Remember how we used to hold hands all the time? Let’s start doing that again”
Don’t store things up- Don’t wait too long before addressing issues this will only escalate the problem.

Sunday mornings should be calm, spiritual and nothing but bliss, right? Well, not at my house. It is usually demanding voices of, “Go get your tie on.” or “Go brush your teeth” and “get in the car, we're running late!” My children are old enough to know what our Sunday routine is yet we have these conflicts every week. These strategies would cut down on the conflicts in our home before church. I like the points to be clear about what I need, as well and being polite. “I need you to get in the car please” or “Please, go get your tie” seems like a better way to get my children to church without anger. Being angry is a choice. Conflicts will come up in our marriage and families, but we can choose how we handle it. 

L08  Beware of Pride

In the talk, Beware of Pride by Ezra Taft Benson states, “Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.” (Prov. 13:10; see also Prov. 28:25.)

I can see pride in my family and in all honesty in myself. Benson states, “Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind. Our degree of pride determines how we treat our God and our brothers and sisters.” Pride is the power Satan uses to take over us and causes contention in our relationships of those we love."

Do you have relationships or friendships that pride has destroyed? 
Do you have hard-hardness, contention, faultfinding or withholding gratitude towards those you love?

The natural man is in all of us. Pride can slowly weave its way into marriages and relationships. It brings contention and selfishness. It chips away at the happiness we should have in our relationships and marriage.

Benson provides loving and direct council to overcome pride.
“The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and contrite spirit.  We can choose to humble ourselves by conquering enmity toward our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are. We can choose to humble ourselves by forgiving those who have offended us. We can choose to humble ourselves by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives. We must yield “to the enticings of the Holy Spirit,” put off the prideful “natural man,” become “a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord,” and become “as a child, submissive, meek, humble.”

I have seen pride and selfishness destroy marriages. Little by little pride took over where love once was. Pride can manifest when we think we are in the right, feel superior to another, get irritated by something our spouse does or we don’t take their feelings into consideration. No marriage is perfect, but we can humble ourselves and follow the counsel given to overcome and prevent pride from destroying marriages. 

L7 Staying Emotionally Connected 

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman shares the importance of couples having a shared meaning. He says, “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and lead you to understand who you are as a family.” He goes on to share 4 Pillars of shared meaning

Pillar 1- Rituals and Connections – These are structured events or routines that you depend on and reinforce togetherness. These may include eating dinner together

Pillar 2- Support for each other roles- Spouses support each other emotionally and financially and see eye to eye on Philosophical and spiritual aspects of life.

Pillar 3- Shared goals- Sharing what makes life meaningful and the goals strived to achieve them.

Pillar 4- Shared Values and Symbols-Philosophical tenants that guide how you wish to conduct your lives. Example- Religion or what a home means.

These important pillars enrich and strengthen marriages and relationships. I think Pillar number 1 is something that can be used to strengthen our marriage and our families. In a past class, I learned just how important rituals are to a family/marriage. Some important rituals as a family are Family home evening, family dinner, birthday celebrations, and family prayers. They bring families together to connect laugh and strengthen bonds. In a marriage ritual may include, saying. I love you, having a special name for each other, anniversary celebrations, Hello and goodbyes kisses. These are little things that are important in every marriage. They keep the love alive and remind our spouse that we matter to them.

With Valentine’s day passing, I couldn’t help but think of a ritual we have with our kids. Since my daughter was about 4 my husband has always bought her a special Valentine. He delivered flowers to her all through her junior high/high school years and still hasn’t missed a year. She loved walking around school with flowers. She also loved the reaction her friends gave her when she told them it was from her dad. That ritual in itself makes me fall deeper in love with him every year. I give valentines to the kids and we have a special candlelight dinner as a family with Goblets and our best dishes. It’s something we all look forward to each year. At first, I struggled thinking about rituals my husband and I share besides our anniversary get-away. I started to think on a smaller scale and many things came to mind. Things like my husband insisting we sit together at church so he can hold my hand, or his calling me throughout the day just to chat or tell me he loves me. If we're going somewhere, he always lets me shower first so I have plenty of hot water and more time to get ready. It really is the little things he does that lets me know he loves me and is thinking about me. Marriage can be taken over by busy schedules, kids and stress. Using these pillars, we can continue to build and strengthen a lasting relationship of love, respect, and togetherness by turning to each other.

L6 Cherish Your Partner 

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

A definition of cleave:  adhere strongly (pursuit of belief) becoming strongly involved with or emotionally attached to (someone).

Marriages are not easy. It is a transition of two lives becoming one. Trials and challenges will come and strong and healthy married couple will continue to cleave unto each other.

Dr. Gottman shares two principles that strengthen a marriage.

1) Enhancing Your Love Maps- Staying intimately familiar with each other’s world. Storing and updating important feelings and facts of your spouse. Intimately knowing their goals, hopes, and stressors. 

2.) Fondness and Admiration- The two most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.

A couple may begin dwelling on the negative or forget to date, have fun and enjoy each other’s company. They simply forget to cherish one another which is critical to keeping a sound relationship intact. Strong or struggling marriages can implement these into their marriages. They can create strong, healthy and lasting marriages by strengthening fondness and admiration for each other.

 Henry B. Eyring advice: “First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” (Our Perfect Example)

Elder Joe Christensen shared this important message: “Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.”

Anyone who asked my Grandpa how he managed to stay married to his sweetheart for so long would get this reply, “we’ve never had a quarrel, we’ve never had a fight. Anything can be worked out with respect and love.” I’m sure they had bumps along the way and I’m sure they argued to some degree, but I never, ever knew of them arguing or saying an unkind word to each other. The fondness and admiration they shared were visible for others to see. They held hands everywhere, they were always complimentary to each other and they beamed every time they talked about one another.

It’s important that we don’t let negativity, annoyances and the stress of life get in the way of our marriages. Pray for your spouse and cleave unto them. Like Adam and Eve, there will be trials, but together they can be overcome. 

L5 Behaviors That Negatively Affect a Marriage

When the honeymoon is over reality begins to set in. All couples are faced with challenges, disappointments, and stresses. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman shares how conflicts and stresses handled can give insight into the success or failure in a marriage. The first sign of trouble would be how the conversation begins. Gottman states, “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute interaction.”  A harsh startup is something that should be avoided. Beginning a conversation with harshness, blame and anger will not end well. If a conversation starts with a harsh startup, it is advised to stop the conversation, take a break and start over. A key reminder is: How it begins is how it will end. 

Gottman also shares negative behaviors that put marriages in danger of happiness. These are called The Four Horseman. I think it is important to note they can take place in any relationships. 

1. Criticism- A negative expression, opinions or belief about your partner's personality or character.
   Example: “Why can’t you ever remember to do what you say? You’re so forgetful and careless.”
   Instead, we should state our complaint:
   Example: “I am frustrated you forgot to take out the trash before this morning. Will you please take it out now, before the trash is picked up?”
2. Contempt-Superiority over a partner. This could include Sarcasm, mockery, hostile remarks, eye-rolling and any other way that coveys disgust for your partner. 
   Example: “You're so spoiled. I can’t believe you think you deserve to have those.”
3. Defensiveness- A way to place blame on your partner. It is used to escalate the conflict. 
   You are saying, in effect, “You are saying the problem isn’t me it is you.”
4. Stonewalling- This is when one partner tunes out and shows a lack of interest in care. This is common in marriages that have harsh startup and criticism. Stonewalling is often a protection method against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.

These four horsemen can trample into any marriage, but if we are aware of them, they can be corrected. Gottman shares that a happy marriage involves strengthening your friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways.  

Do you see any of these in your relationships?
What steps can you take to create a happy relationship or marriage?

The “Magic Ratio” is 5 to 1. For every one negative interaction, there should be 5 positives. Elder Joseph Wirthlin also has some advice in his 2007conference talk. “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life. True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love of our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.”

My Parents have been a great example to me of how a couple can lovingly disagree. My parents always held hands. I don’t have a memory of my parents in a car when they were not holding hands. When a disagreement would begin, I remember them putting their arms around each other back and pause as if to say, “let's discuss this later.” I remember disagreements, but I never heard my parents speak negatively to each other.

L4 Eternal Marriage                                          

Growing up I knew the Temple was sacred. I knew my parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles were sealed. I remember being a giddy 7-year-old standing on the steps of the St. George Temple in a flower dress for my uncles' wedding. I loved the Temple. I knew my parents were sealed and they loved each other very much, but I don’t remember them going to the Temple on dates. I don’t remember them talking to us about the Temple very much. This made me think. What will my children remember about my husband and I and our Temple attendance? Do they know why we choose to go to the Temple and how special it is to us?

In President, Bensons talk: 

“What I hope you would teach your children about the Temple He reminds us of the important blessing that comes when we worthily go to the Temple. He states, When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.• You will receive the key to the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple.”

I have a testimony that these powerful and sacred blessings belong to us as we attend the temple. We bless ourselves, our spouse and our family, but have I shared those feelings or blessings with my children?  My husband and I go often, but not regularly. I hope to change that. President Benson's counsel to attend the Temple regularly and express the importance of the temple. This will help them have a desire to go to the Temple someday and covenant with Heavenly Father and their future spouse.