L7 Staying Emotionally Connected 

In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman shares the importance of couples having a shared meaning. He says, “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together- a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you and lead you to understand who you are as a family.” He goes on to share 4 Pillars of shared meaning

Pillar 1- Rituals and Connections – These are structured events or routines that you depend on and reinforce togetherness. These may include eating dinner together

Pillar 2- Support for each other roles- Spouses support each other emotionally and financially and see eye to eye on Philosophical and spiritual aspects of life.

Pillar 3- Shared goals- Sharing what makes life meaningful and the goals strived to achieve them.

Pillar 4- Shared Values and Symbols-Philosophical tenants that guide how you wish to conduct your lives. Example- Religion or what a home means.

These important pillars enrich and strengthen marriages and relationships. I think Pillar number 1 is something that can be used to strengthen our marriage and our families. In a past class, I learned just how important rituals are to a family/marriage. Some important rituals as a family are Family home evening, family dinner, birthday celebrations, and family prayers. They bring families together to connect laugh and strengthen bonds. In a marriage ritual may include, saying. I love you, having a special name for each other, anniversary celebrations, Hello and goodbyes kisses. These are little things that are important in every marriage. They keep the love alive and remind our spouse that we matter to them.

With Valentine’s day passing, I couldn’t help but think of a ritual we have with our kids. Since my daughter was about 4 my husband has always bought her a special Valentine. He delivered flowers to her all through her junior high/high school years and still hasn’t missed a year. She loved walking around school with flowers. She also loved the reaction her friends gave her when she told them it was from her dad. That ritual in itself makes me fall deeper in love with him every year. I give valentines to the kids and we have a special candlelight dinner as a family with Goblets and our best dishes. It’s something we all look forward to each year. At first, I struggled thinking about rituals my husband and I share besides our anniversary get-away. I started to think on a smaller scale and many things came to mind. Things like my husband insisting we sit together at church so he can hold my hand, or his calling me throughout the day just to chat or tell me he loves me. If we're going somewhere, he always lets me shower first so I have plenty of hot water and more time to get ready. It really is the little things he does that lets me know he loves me and is thinking about me. Marriage can be taken over by busy schedules, kids and stress. Using these pillars, we can continue to build and strengthen a lasting relationship of love, respect, and togetherness by turning to each other.

L6 Cherish Your Partner 

Therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24

A definition of cleave:  adhere strongly (pursuit of belief) becoming strongly involved with or emotionally attached to (someone).

Marriages are not easy. It is a transition of two lives becoming one. Trials and challenges will come and strong and healthy married couple will continue to cleave unto each other.

Dr. Gottman shares two principles that strengthen a marriage.

1) Enhancing Your Love Maps- Staying intimately familiar with each other’s world. Storing and updating important feelings and facts of your spouse. Intimately knowing their goals, hopes, and stressors. 

2.) Fondness and Admiration- The two most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance.

A couple may begin dwelling on the negative or forget to date, have fun and enjoy each other’s company. They simply forget to cherish one another which is critical to keeping a sound relationship intact. Strong or struggling marriages can implement these into their marriages. They can create strong, healthy and lasting marriages by strengthening fondness and admiration for each other.

 Henry B. Eyring advice: “First, I give counsel to husbands and wives. Pray for the love which allows you to see the good in your companion. Pray for the love that makes weaknesses and mistakes seem small. Pray for the love to make your companion’s joy your own. Pray for the love to want to lessen the load and soften the sorrows of your companion.” (Our Perfect Example)

Elder Joe Christensen shared this important message: “Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally, each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.”

Anyone who asked my Grandpa how he managed to stay married to his sweetheart for so long would get this reply, “we’ve never had a quarrel, we’ve never had a fight. Anything can be worked out with respect and love.” I’m sure they had bumps along the way and I’m sure they argued to some degree, but I never, ever knew of them arguing or saying an unkind word to each other. The fondness and admiration they shared were visible for others to see. They held hands everywhere, they were always complimentary to each other and they beamed every time they talked about one another.

It’s important that we don’t let negativity, annoyances and the stress of life get in the way of our marriages. Pray for your spouse and cleave unto them. Like Adam and Eve, there will be trials, but together they can be overcome. 

L5 Behaviors That Negatively Affect a Marriage

When the honeymoon is over reality begins to set in. All couples are faced with challenges, disappointments, and stresses. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman shares how conflicts and stresses handled can give insight into the success or failure in a marriage. The first sign of trouble would be how the conversation begins. Gottman states, “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute interaction.”  A harsh startup is something that should be avoided. Beginning a conversation with harshness, blame and anger will not end well. If a conversation starts with a harsh startup, it is advised to stop the conversation, take a break and start over. A key reminder is: How it begins is how it will end. 

Gottman also shares negative behaviors that put marriages in danger of happiness. These are called The Four Horseman. I think it is important to note they can take place in any relationships. 

1. Criticism- A negative expression, opinions or belief about your partner's personality or character.
   Example: “Why can’t you ever remember to do what you say? You’re so forgetful and careless.”
   Instead, we should state our complaint:
   Example: “I am frustrated you forgot to take out the trash before this morning. Will you please take it out now, before the trash is picked up?”
2. Contempt-Superiority over a partner. This could include Sarcasm, mockery, hostile remarks, eye-rolling and any other way that coveys disgust for your partner. 
   Example: “You're so spoiled. I can’t believe you think you deserve to have those.”
3. Defensiveness- A way to place blame on your partner. It is used to escalate the conflict. 
   You are saying, in effect, “You are saying the problem isn’t me it is you.”
4. Stonewalling- This is when one partner tunes out and shows a lack of interest in care. This is common in marriages that have harsh startup and criticism. Stonewalling is often a protection method against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.

These four horsemen can trample into any marriage, but if we are aware of them, they can be corrected. Gottman shares that a happy marriage involves strengthening your friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways.  

Do you see any of these in your relationships?
What steps can you take to create a happy relationship or marriage?

The “Magic Ratio” is 5 to 1. For every one negative interaction, there should be 5 positives. Elder Joseph Wirthlin also has some advice in his 2007conference talk. “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life. True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love of our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.”

My Parents have been a great example to me of how a couple can lovingly disagree. My parents always held hands. I don’t have a memory of my parents in a car when they were not holding hands. When a disagreement would begin, I remember them putting their arms around each other back and pause as if to say, “let's discuss this later.” I remember disagreements, but I never heard my parents speak negatively to each other.

L4 Eternal Marriage                                          

Growing up I knew the Temple was sacred. I knew my parents, grandparents, and aunts and uncles were sealed. I remember being a giddy 7-year-old standing on the steps of the St. George Temple in a flower dress for my uncles' wedding. I loved the Temple. I knew my parents were sealed and they loved each other very much, but I don’t remember them going to the Temple on dates. I don’t remember them talking to us about the Temple very much. This made me think. What will my children remember about my husband and I and our Temple attendance? Do they know why we choose to go to the Temple and how special it is to us?

In President, Bensons talk: 

“What I hope you would teach your children about the Temple He reminds us of the important blessing that comes when we worthily go to the Temple. He states, When you attend the temple and perform the ordinances that pertain to the House of the Lord, certain blessings will come to you:

• You will receive the spirit of Elijah, which will turn your hearts to your spouse, to your children, and to your forebears.• You will love your family with a deeper love than you have loved before.
• Your hearts will be turned to your fathers and theirs to you.
• You will be endowed with power from on high as the Lord has promised.• You will receive the key to the knowledge of God. (See D&C 84:19.) You will learn how you can be like Him. Even the power of godliness will be manifest to you. (See D&C 84:20.)• You will be doing a great service to those who have passed to the other side of the veil in order that they might be “judged according to men in the flesh, but live according to God in the spirit.” (D&C 138:34.)Such are the blessings of the temple and the blessings of frequently attending the temple.”

I have a testimony that these powerful and sacred blessings belong to us as we attend the temple. We bless ourselves, our spouse and our family, but have I shared those feelings or blessings with my children?  My husband and I go often, but not regularly. I hope to change that. President Benson's counsel to attend the Temple regularly and express the importance of the temple. This will help them have a desire to go to the Temple someday and covenant with Heavenly Father and their future spouse.