L5 Behaviors That Negatively Affect a Marriage

When the honeymoon is over reality begins to set in. All couples are faced with challenges, disappointments, and stresses. In the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, John Gottman shares how conflicts and stresses handled can give insight into the success or failure in a marriage. The first sign of trouble would be how the conversation begins. Gottman states, “96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute interaction.”  A harsh startup is something that should be avoided. Beginning a conversation with harshness, blame and anger will not end well. If a conversation starts with a harsh startup, it is advised to stop the conversation, take a break and start over. A key reminder is: How it begins is how it will end. 

Gottman also shares negative behaviors that put marriages in danger of happiness. These are called The Four Horseman. I think it is important to note they can take place in any relationships. 

1. Criticism- A negative expression, opinions or belief about your partner's personality or character.
   Example: “Why can’t you ever remember to do what you say? You’re so forgetful and careless.”
   Instead, we should state our complaint:
   Example: “I am frustrated you forgot to take out the trash before this morning. Will you please take it out now, before the trash is picked up?”
2. Contempt-Superiority over a partner. This could include Sarcasm, mockery, hostile remarks, eye-rolling and any other way that coveys disgust for your partner. 
   Example: “You're so spoiled. I can’t believe you think you deserve to have those.”
3. Defensiveness- A way to place blame on your partner. It is used to escalate the conflict. 
   You are saying, in effect, “You are saying the problem isn’t me it is you.”
4. Stonewalling- This is when one partner tunes out and shows a lack of interest in care. This is common in marriages that have harsh startup and criticism. Stonewalling is often a protection method against feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed.

These four horsemen can trample into any marriage, but if we are aware of them, they can be corrected. Gottman shares that a happy marriage involves strengthening your friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways.  

Do you see any of these in your relationships?
What steps can you take to create a happy relationship or marriage?

The “Magic Ratio” is 5 to 1. For every one negative interaction, there should be 5 positives. Elder Joseph Wirthlin also has some advice in his 2007conference talk. “Sometimes the greatest love is not found in the dramatic scenes that poets and writers immortalize. Often, the greatest manifestations of love are the simple acts of kindness and caring we extend to those we meet along the path of life. True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love of our Heavenly Father bears for us. We all yearn to experience love like this. Even when we make mistakes, we hope others will love us in spite of our shortcomings—even if we don’t deserve it.”

My Parents have been a great example to me of how a couple can lovingly disagree. My parents always held hands. I don’t have a memory of my parents in a car when they were not holding hands. When a disagreement would begin, I remember them putting their arms around each other back and pause as if to say, “let's discuss this later.” I remember disagreements, but I never heard my parents speak negatively to each other.