Seeking to Understand L10

 

All couples have irreconcilable differences, but gridlock causes major issues within a marriage. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman discusses the harmful effects of gridlock.  

What Is Gridlock? Gridlock is when partner can’t find a way to accommodate disagreements. Neither couple is able to get the other to understand, agree or respect the position of the other person.

How do you know if you’re in gridlock? 

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again and again with no resolution. 

2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.

3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing’s time goes on.  

4 Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out-giving up something important and core to your beliefs, values or sense of self.

Some couples can sidestep the problem, knowing it won’t go away but manage to keep it from overwhelming life together. Gottman teaches that the problem does not have to be solved to get past gridlock. Neither does one or the other have to “give in.” The goal is to Acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

To prevent gridlock Gottman says to look for the small moments where you “miss” each other’s needs, spend more time strengthening fondness and admiration and Turning towards each other. In gridlock, you must understand that someone’s dreams (hopes, aspirations, and wishes) are not being met.

My dear friend married her high school sweetheart. Promises of a Temple marriage “someday” led to a quiet, civil marriage. Their ideas of someday were very different. Years into their marriage he went inactive. She went to church alone. A baby came along and her dream to have the baby blessed caused heartache and major disagreement. It was an issue with each child and only got worse as baptism, mutual and camp activities came up. They are in gridlock. Personally, it is sad watching this couple. The wife has given up on her “someday” temple marriage and the dream of being active as a family has also vanished for her. I make me sad for them, but mostly her. I hope someday they can work through things and they can move past the hurt and frustration of gridlock. 

I think avoiding gridlock is an important part of Gottman’s book. I think it is important to remember that no marriage is perfect. People can always change. When the 4 horse-man and harsh start-ups are avoided marriages trust can be built and issues can be worked through to avoid Gridlock.