L9 Managing Conflict; Consecrating Ourselves

Marriage is the blending of two individuals’ cultures, beliefs, and traditions into one. Conflicts are sure to arise, even for the happiest couple.  In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage WorkGottman teaches there are two kinds of marital conflicts.

1. Perpetual Problems- They will be a part of your life forever in some way or another. A permanent way of thinking or feeling. 
2. Solvable- Problems that can be resolved with effective techniques.

Once the type of conflict is identified, coping skills can begin to resolve the conflict. Gottman offers tools to help couples resolve conflicts.
1. Soft startup
2. Learn to make and receive repaired attempts.
3. Soothe yourself for each other
4. Compromise
5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

A compromise was not something that came easily for my husband and I. It took time and were still working on it today. We have learned to state what we each feel is important and find a way to make it work for both of us. Sometimes it is easier than others, but it is a blessing to solving a conflict.

When feelings and opinions are different, a soft startup is an important tool to be learned with a spouse or child. Gottman suggestion will help voice the conflict in a reasonable way to eliminate anger in a marriage or home.  

Complain but don’t blame- Use statements like “I feel...”  and “I need...” Make statements that begin with “I” instead of “You.” This allows you to express your feeling or concerns without placing blame.
Describe what is happening- “I seem to be the only one taking out the trash” This states the problem without judging.
Be clear about your positive need- don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. “I’d appreciate if you would clean up your dishes when you’re done.”
Be polite- Add phrases like “Please” or “I would appreciate.”
Be appreciative- “Remember how we used to hold hands all the time? Let’s start doing that again”
Don’t store things up- Don’t wait too long before addressing issues this will only escalate the problem.

Sunday mornings should be calm, spiritual and nothing but bliss, right? Well, not at my house. It is usually demanding voices of, “Go get your tie on.” or “Go brush your teeth” and “get in the car, we're running late!” My children are old enough to know what our Sunday routine is yet we have these conflicts every week. These strategies would cut down on the conflicts in our home before church. I like the points to be clear about what I need, as well and being polite. “I need you to get in the car please” or “Please, go get your tie” seems like a better way to get my children to church without anger. Being angry is a choice. Conflicts will come up in our marriage and families, but we can choose how we handle it.