In-Law-Relations L 13     

Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave unto his wife”

In the talk Creating Healthy Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families James Harper quotes Marvin J. Astons clarification of this verse. “Man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now are ignored, abandoned, shunned or deserted.” He goes on to say, “Wise parents whose children have left to start their families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement.”

It can be difficult for newly married couples to transition and cleave unto their spouse when there are opinions from loved ones like in-laws. I did not think I would ever have that problem, but I did. After marriage, I struggled with the input given by my mother in law. I know she meant well but her input often came across as hurtful, belittling and dominating. I struggled with it to the point I did not want to be around her. My husband who was used to her comments didn’t understand my feelings. We came up with a plan. At the next family gathering, I would hold his hand. I would squeeze his hand when she made a comment that I felt was hurtful, belittling or pushy about the choices that were ours to make. It was not long before we were discussing the many times, I squeezed his hand. It was eye-opening to him. He was able to see my point of view. We discussed some of the choices we had made because of her influence than from ours together. He apologized and things were different from that point on. He began to tell her, “Thanks for your opinion, but we will do what we feel is right for us.”  I appreciated his willingness to be kind to her while making it clear that I was his partner in decisions.

Enmeshment- Parents and children feel they have to be together, difficulty separating feelings and loyalty issues are distorted.  If married children are having enmeshment difficulties with parents or in-laws, three suggestions are made.

1-Express love to parents for what they do.
2-Explain that they need to further strengthen their couple identity. 
3-Explain how expectations are getting in the way of their relationship. Express that this is not betrayal or withdrawal of love.

Triangulation- When a stronger relationship is with a parent than a spouse or excludes the spouse. 
In difficult times children may go to their parents for help with an issue with their spouse. Parents should kindly encourage their child to talk to their spouse and work out their difficulties together. Triangulation fails to solve problems and weakens a marriage. Information shared can lead to negative feelings or taking sides.

80% of couples of failed marriages had not gained the support of the parents to marry. Lack of approval. Triangulation, intrusion, loyalty issues jeopardize marriages. Gloria Horsley listed things every parent in law should avoid. “Giving advice, criticizing, guilt for missing events.” 

I am approaching the stages of becoming an in-law. I am determined to trust my daughter judgments when the time comes. I hope to build a relationship with my in-law and be a support to them as a couple because I want them to be happy and successful. I want my “future in-laws” to feel welcomed, loved and accepted. I will also be understanding as they figure out their own traditions and life together because I remember the guilt I felt as we figured out ours.